FLAVIANNA'S STORY

Ugh, holiday dinners in 1962, ain't they just the worst? So, this year I says, forget about it, I'm spending my holiday dinner with my good friend Sheila Funkhousen. Now I've known Sheila my whole life since I'm knee high to a grasshopper. And you know, Sheila was a child actor or at least she tried to be. And she was good too and she could really sing! And she had these perfect little curls just like Shirley Temple only Sheila's were red curls, fire engine red curls. And she would a made it to the big time if it weren't for that Shirley. Nobody could compete with Shirley in those days, boy, let me tell you it ain't only gentlemen that prefer blondes, its writers, directors, and agents too. Then the role for little orphan Annie came along and Sheila thought she'd be a shoe in! Only she's allergic to dogs and she hated the idea of being poor - 

So ANYWAY, I calls up Sheila and I says let's go somewhere special, let’s paint the town as red as your carpet and drapes! Sheila laughs, she’s got a great sense of humor. So, she’s thinking about where to go and she’s thinkin and finally she says "Oh! Mi Fogatta!" So, I says “you forgotta? Well, you better remembah,” she says “no, no the place is called Mi Fagotta it's delicious - you'll love it!”

So, we meets up over at Mi Fogotta you better remembah and it was beauuuuut-i

-ful! I'm talking this place really puts on the ritz and glitz. So, we're sitting at our seats, we're perusing the menu, I immediately place an order for the baklava – it’s my favorite – and then all of a sudden you will never guess who walks into Mi Fogotta you better remembah. Can you guess? I looks up at the door and standing there in a little red cape is none other than Shirley Fuckin' Temple. Shirley! Good Ship lollipop herself! My jaw drops and hits the floor and I look over and Sheila has smoke coming outta her ears. She never got over losing the role on Wee Willie Winkie to Shirley.

Before we know it there's a white gloved hand on Sheila's shoulder. Then all the sudden BAM! Shirley socks Sheila right in the kisser! WHAP! Sheila flies outta her chair and she pins Shirley to the ground! They’re rolling around, they’re ripping each other’s spiral curls out! Wham, wap, bam, bop! So much for my drama free holiday! My worry-free dinner’s blown to smithereens, so I’m sitting there crying my eyes out, I mean tears are flooding into my baklava!

Finally, I pull it together, I jump on top of ‘em and I grab ‘em both by the ears. On either side of me, I scream at ‘em: “You’s two settle down!” I says to ‘em, “It’s the holiday for Christ’s sake, and look at ya!” “Now, the two a yas beef goes back too far, it’s time to let that all go. It’s 1962 for cryin’ out loud, you’re grown women now! Look, yous both got more in common that yah gots different so why don’tcha just give it up already?”

Shirley and Sheila both take a deep breath.

And I swear to you right now, a feeling of calm settled in. I’m telling you it felt like heaven's angels were present, like a miraculous benevolence was just hovering over us.

And then Shirley and Sheila looked at each other … and they each raised out a hand… and they punched me in the face. And everything else after that ….. Mi Fogotta.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkWkVacYLBU